Children Need Models, Not Critics

Since Sunday morning won’t be focusing much on the fact that Sunday is Father’s Day, I thought I’d offer a few thoughts about that here.

My father, who died in 2011, was not a perfect husband or father. But a) he never pretended to be; and b) who is?—certainly not me.

But was a great husband and a great father.

There was a sign that hung above my father’s desk while I was growing up. It simply said:

Children need models, not critics.

That was my father’s philosophy. To model – to set an example, to use one’s energy trying to walk the walk yourself – rather than to criticize the failures and faults of others.

I want you to imagine, if you will, a child working in the back yard, helping his father build a storage shed, or as we called it, a “mini-barn.”

The child is doing it wrong: cutting the wood the wrong length; using the tools incorrectly and even dangerously…taking too long to do the work. 

The father knows the child is doing it wrong.

And the father has several ways to respond.

Imagine:

• One possibility is for the father to ignore the fact the child is messing up, to offer empty praise and affirmations, to pretend there are no standards or to set the standards aside; to expect no excellence. To passively watch the job get screwed up.

• Another possibility is to ridicule the child, to belittle, to criticize unhelpfully. To eventually knock the child out of the way and take over himself with a gruff “Get out of the way, let me do it; you’ll never amount to anything.”

And then there is a third way.

For the father to say, “here, let me show you.” 

• For the father to step in, yes, and take a tool, but to stand beside the child, rest the child’s hand on his hand and guide a saw back and forth until the child picks up the feel. Then to step out of the way long enough to see if the child catches on…and step back in when encouragement, direction – modeling – is needed.

That’s a father who realizes that children need models, not critics.

Oh I thank God I had an earthly father who chose the third way.

But let’s take this a step further:  

So many people believe those three roles about our Heavenly Father:

• One, that God ignores us, or expects no standards, or who is there only to offer empty affirmations…a God who doesn’t get involved with humanity at all, or who – if He does, is just watching it without judgment or involvement or real involvement or investment;   

• Others believe that if God does step in, it is only to pop us on the head for our slightest transgressions: a stern God, one who punishes or ridicules or minimizes human efforts, or who – if allowing us to do any good – does so only by robbing us of our free will.

But isn’t it possible to believe that our Heavenly Father’s relates to us in the third way?

 

And now okay here’ the mind-boggling thing:

Isn’t it possible to interpret God’s role in sending Jesus that way?!?—that Jesus was our Heavenly Father saying, “Here, let me show you.”? 

• That Jesus was God saying, “I’ve been trying to reach you through creation, through prophets, through my law, but let’s face it: you’re not picking it up. And so here: Let me show you.  Let me live a life as one of you…and in such a way that even 2,000 years later, it will be an example – a model – an enfleshment of who I am…so that whenever you wonder who I am and what I care about, you can turn to this life, and know.

A heavenly father who realizes humanity needs models, not critics!

 

And now let me take this even one step further:

 

If that is true of God and Jesus, then it isn’t it true of the church – the Body of Christ today – as well? 

 

If it is true our children need models, not critics,  

 

If it is true that humanity needs models, not critics,  

 

Then isn’t it true that the city of Falls Church…our colleagues at work…the wider culture in which we live and work…needs the church (and individual members of it) to be models, not critics?

 

“Models, not critics.”

Now that’s a vision and inspiration.  

Thanks, Dad. 

"Maybe it IS the problem...?"

This funny video is making the rounds on Facebook, mostly as a commentary on "being married," but as I watched it, I kept wondering...



"Am I the only one that felt like this guy while they were trying, so hard, to train us in "reflective listening" during CPE and other pastoral care classes?" 

 "Am I the only one who sees this video as a microcosm of how it feels sometimes at so many church meetings -- mercifully not at the parish level -- but at wider church meetings?


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=577787252244707

"Jesus Doesn't Care About Your Failures"

"Jesus doesn't care about your failures."

That was a line in one of the daily "Pray-as-you-go" meditations I listen to, and it's gotten me thinking.

The comment was made in a reflection on John 21:15-19, the scene where Jesus asks Peter three times "do you love me?" As The Message puts it,

After breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”

“Yes, Master, you know I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

He then asked a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”

“Yes, Master, you know I love you.”

Jesus said, “Shepherd my sheep.”

Then he said it a third time: “Simon, son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was upset that he asked for the third time, “Do you love me?” so he answered,“Master, you know everything there is to know. You’ve got to know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep"

Remember this scene takes place after the resurrection.

After Peter had failed as a follower, having denied even knowing Jesus when asked.

After Peter had failed, three times.

But -- as the author of the Pray as You Go meditation pointed out -- Jesus isn't interested in an apology.

Jesus isn't interested in Peter's failures; he's interested in Peter's future.

(It's helpful to pause here a second and remember why it's so important that Christians believe Jesus was not -- as some seem to think -- merely a really really really nice man or someone who merely had a special connection to, or relationship with, God. But rather, Jesus was God, enfleshed. (Or more accurately: Jesus IS God, resurrected, ascended, interceeding, and advocating.) That's important to remember because if we want to know what God is like, the best way to find out is to pay close attention to what Jesus said and how he acted.)

And so -- if you believe that Jesus was God-made-flesh -- at least as far as this passage teaches, it's fair to conclude that when humans fail, God's first desire is not for an apology.

It sounds almost heretical as I type those words. "When we fail, God isn't interested in an apology?!? What's the point of confession, repentance, contrition, then?!?" the brain screams.

I'm not saying God isn't ever interested in apologies, and I'm not saying there isn't a role for confession and repentance and contrition.

What I am saying, though, is this: trained as we are by the church and by religious customs more than by what the Bible actually says and teaches about God, and accustomed as we are to "earning" or at least "doing something" ahead of time in order to "earn" everything we "get," we can scarcely get our heads around the idea that God often really seems quite indifferent to our religion-theology of apology.

And what I am saying is that while confession and repentance and contrition have a lot of value, perhaps their chief value is to US, not God: perhaps we need those religious customs more than God does. 

So: what IS God interested in? What DOES Jesus ask of Peter?

In a kind of echo of Isaiah 58 (below) and Micah 6:8, Jesus doesn't tell Peter how he should feel (sorrowful, regretful, remorseful or anything else), but rather he gives him something to do.

Now that's an astonishing thought, and bears repeating:

When we fail, God doesn't tell us how we should feel, he gives us something to do.    


Do you love me? 

Well, then feed my lambs. 

Do you love God, even though you've screwed up, failed, fallen short?  

Well, then shepherd my sheep: Go take care of someone. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go freakin' DO something good for someone else. 

Do you love God? Even though you feel inadequate, alone, confused, or full of doubt? 

Well: all those feelings of inadequacy, alone-ness, confusion, and doubt are real and need to be taken seriously and addressed, but -- like a hunger pang that goes away when you are fed -- one of the best and most effective ways to address those feelings is to realize they can be every bit as self-centered and self-absorbed as those of an arrogant ego-maniac, and so if you really want to make those feelings go away, feed. 

Feed my sheep.  


‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
    ‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
    and you have not noticed?’

“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
    and exploit all your workers.
Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
    and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
    and expect your voice to be heard on high. ...

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Those "can't-I-just-go-to-the-beach-and-stare-at-the-waves" feelings...

I had the good fortune of having a great mentor (The Rev. Andrew Merrow) in my first job in ordained ministry right out of seminary (at St. Mary's, Arlington). And of the many words of wisdom he passed on to me in my four-and-a-half years with him, there's one that I think about each year around this time:  

"Early June is the most dangerous time of the church year."  

What he meant by that is this:

The first few weeks of June is the time of year when the church "program year" (and for teachers and students, the school year) is winding down.

In most churches, the busy program year starts in September and then picks up steam and intensity, feeling as if we go from Labor Day to the Annual Giving Campaign-start-of-classes-and-programs-then-Advent-and-Christmas-oh my get ready for the Annual Meeting/Elections/retreat-and-Lent-Holyweek-Easter-omigodtimeforthebishop's-visit then all of a sudden it's sunday-school- teacher-appreciation-sunday-graduation-recognition-and-how-did-I-get-114-unaswered-emails-in-my-inbox...

So right now -- early June -- we're...   almost...   to...   the...   end...

But we're not quite there yet.

And so this time of year is "end of year, out of steam" time.

The vacation coming our way - the time when we can relax, unwind, catch our breath and get restored - is still a week or two off for most of us. But in the meantime, we're still at work, still trying to put in an honest day's work, even though we're having what I'd call "can't-I-just-go-to-the-beach-and-stare-at-the-waves" feelings. 

 I stole this drawing from my friend Lori Davis, who stole it from her daughter Olivia.

And of course these feelings are shared by more than clergy, and are not unique to church work. That's part of the reason Jen Hatmaker's recent (hilarious!) post titled Worst End of School Year Mom Ever post went viral, I think.

As she said:  

We are limping, limping across the finish line, folks. I tapped out somewhere in April and at this point, it is a miracle my kids are still even going to school. I haven't checked homework folders in three weeks, because, well, I just can't. Cannot. Can. Not. I can't look at the homework in the folder. Is there homework in the folder? I don't even know. Are other moms still looking in the homework folder? I don't even care.

Now for those who don't feel this way...for those of you who know how to marshal your energies wisely year-round and pace yourselves and are not feeling tired, well, congratulations or something, and perhaps this week's post isn't for you...

...but for those of you understand the "can't-I-just-go-to-the-beach-and-stare-at-the-waves" feelings, a word of comfort, an observation straight from scripture:  

Jesus - who was God, but also "only human" -- frequently took time for quiet and prayer in his life.

Jesus was frequently going off for times of quiet solitude.

And telling his followers to.

Remember Jesus' response after he'd commissioned the disciples and they came back full of energy and excitement and reported all they'd done?

He didn't say, "keep pushing!" He didn't say "great start, but you've only just begun, get back out there!" (Jesus is NOT the author of the wretched-works-righteousness-theology-hymn "Come Labor On, Who Dares Stand Idle?")

No, his response to his excited, tired, busy disciples?

Jesus' reaction when he saw that "so many were coming and going, they had no leisure, even to eat"?      

It was this:  

"Go away to a deserted place all by yourselves, and rest a while."

Ahhhh...

Yes, Lord.

...in just a week or two, anyway...

Hey! We were just talking about you!

“Have you been with me all this time, and you still do not know me?” 

 

That was a line from the Gospel on Pentecost Sunday a few weeks ago, and was a question Jesus asked of his disciple Thomas.

Well – as I said in my Pentecost sermon – over the past few years, I’ve had a similar realization in regard to my individual relationship with the Holy Spirit, and the Episcopal Church’s relationship with the Holy Spirit.

We’ve been with the Holy Spirit (and the Holy Spirit has been with us) all this time, and we still do not know each other.

We baptize in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, we end prayers in the name of the Holy Spirit…

…each and every Sunday, when we stand and say the Creed, we say we believe in the Holy Spirit [as], the Lord, and as “the giver of life”

…but honestly, now: really?

Do you really relate to the Holy Spirit as your “giver of life” ?

IS the Holy Spirit lord in any meaningful, practical, daily way to you – in other words, is the Holy Spirit the main source (or even a chief source?!?) of direction for your daily plans, your weekly plans, your life-plan?

Is the Holy Spirit animating you and the church, driving you and the church, informing and directing our daily decisions?

I’m afraid that the brutally honest answer for most of us, most of the time, is “no, not really.”

So: we spend all this time in and around the Holy Spirit, but still do not know who the Holy Spirit is. 

And a consequence? We pray to God, even frequently, and still do not know what God wants!

 

But what if there was a way to pray, in the power of the Holy Spirit, so we know God’s will – and instead of praying FOR an answer to what we’re going through, we pray WITH an answer to what we’re going through? 

 

Well, there is:  

 

Praying in accordance with God’s will – it’s as ancient as Gregory of Nazianzus (300’s) and John of Damascus (early 700’s) (they called it entering into the  Perichoresis or mutual indwelling among the Father, Son and Holy Spirit) and it’s as recent as what Graham Cooke calls Crafted Prayer (to whom much of what I have to say here is indebted). 

 

The way to pray in the power of the Holy Spirit is to find out what God already wants to do in a situation and through you in that situation and pray for that.

 

Does this sound mystical, somehow unrealistic, or too mysterious to really try?

 

Well, again, as I shared in my sermon, here’s a practical way of praying this way:

 

Imagine yourself walking up to three friends of yours, who are talking.

 

You walk up, and all three turn to you at once, with smiles on their faces, and say, in unison* “HEY! We were just talking about you!”

 

Well…wouldn’t you just be dying to know what they were saying?

 
Well guess what?  

·    

• Jesus is talking about you, in love, to the Father and Holy Spirit. 
• And the Spirit is talking, in love, to Jesus and your heavenly Father about what you’re going through right now. 
• And your heavenly, tender, loving, joyfully-generous** Father in Heaven is talking, with delight and love,** to the Holy Spirit and to Jesus about you.   

So…what if prayer were simply your eavesdropping in on that conversation?***

The “given” is that within the Trinity of persons and One Being that is God, there is a conversation going on about you and your day. The “given” is, the Holy Spirit is with you…within you…for you.

 

The “variable” is, “have you been with me all this time and still do not know me?” 

 

So listen in.

 

Spend ten or fifteen minutes a day doing this exercise.

 

Jot down the impressions, ideas, or images you receive.

 

Then “test everything, hold fast to that which is true.” Test those impressions, ideas or images against by going back again and again to God, and saying “this is what I think I heard or received, is that coming from you, God?” Also: test what God seems to be saying to you in this exercise against what God says through scripture and in the church’s teachings, because a) you might just be hearing your own voice/self and b) more insidiously, you might be hearing some spirit other than the Holy Spirit.**** And finally, test what you seem to be hearing with a trusted, mature-in-the-faith spiritual advisor or friend – someone who is familiar with both you and God.

Give it try.

In return – over time – you’ll receive the joy of companionship with the Holy Spirit, who has been with you all this time.  

* It’s important to remember that “they” say this in UNISON because – lest the heresy police come after me – let me be clear that these three “persons’ are really only ONE being. 

**It’s important that you see God turning to you in delight and love and that you imagine God as joyfully abundant, because (see below) one of the ways our Adversary keeps us from conversational intimacy with God is to convince us that God is disappointed, angry, or distant. Who wants conversational intimacy with a disappointed, angry, or distant person? 

***For those who want, or need, the biblical background or authority for making such a claim,  Paul says in Romans 8 that the Spirit helps us in our weakness” and when we do not know what we ought to pray for, the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

He also says that Jesus who died and was raised is at the right hand of God, interceding for us.

First John says that “if anyone sin, we have an advocate with the father, Jesus Christ the righteous.” And the Book of Common Prayer (from 1 Timothy 2:5 and Romans 5”1) reminds us when we pray that Jesus Christ is “our Mediator and Advocate.”

****This kind of conversational intimacy with God is perhaps THE greatest threat to our Adversary, the Evil One, and that foul spirit will do everything in its power to keep us from intimacy with God. So if – when you imagine God talking about you – your first thought is “ut-oh!, I’m in trouble!” remember, if there are any accusations being cast against you, the only one who is accusing you, pointing out your human faults, is the Accuser, and NOT your Advocate, who is God.

Be Busy. But Don't Hurry.

The Christian pastor and writer John Ortberg writes about what he calls "hurry sickness."

Since this seems to be a "crazy-busy" time of year for many of us, and in preparation for the summer, when (I hope) things get less hurried for most of us, I thought some of Ortberg's insights bear repeating.

How do you know if you suffer from hurry sickness?

According to Ortberg, here are some symptoms:

Speeding up. You are haunted by the fear that you don't have enough time to do what needs to be done.

When listening you nod more often to encourage the other person to accelerate.

You chafe whenever you have to wait.

Clutter. The hurry-sick lack simplicity.

Sunset fatigue. We come home after work, and those who need our love the most, those to whom we are most committed, end up getting the leftovers. This is part of what author Lewis Grant calls "Sunset fatigue"-all those end-of-the-day behaviors that signal hurry sickness:

• You rush around at home even when there's no reason to.
• You speak sharp words to your spouse and children, even when they've done nothing to deserve them.
• You hurry your children along. You set up mock races ("Okay kids, let's see who can take a bath fastest"), which are really about your own need to get through it.
• You tell your family that everything will be okay in just a week or two. (A pastor friend of Ortberg's says how, in a busy season, he found himself living for "two weeks from Tuesday" because then his schedule would lighten up, at least for a few days. But he realized this had become a way of life. He was always living for "two weeks from Tuesday.")
• You indulge in self-destructive escapes: watching too much TV, abusing alcohol, or scanning the internet too much.
• You flop into bed with no sense of gratitude and wonder for the day, just fatigue. 

Love impaired. The most serious sign of hurry sickness, though, is a diminished capacity to love. For love and hurry are fundamentally incompatible. Love always takes time, and time is the one thing hurried people don't have.

Jesus told the story of the kingdom of God being like seeds planted along a road, and some seeds are eaten up, some don't take root, some wither, and some are choked out by the "cares and riches and pleasures of life."

 

Hurry will keep us consumed by the things in our lives and keep God's ways from taking root in our lives.

That is why Jesus frequently took time for quiet and prayer in his life. He was frequently going off for times of quiet solitude. After he'd commissioned the disciples and they came back full of energy and excitement and reported all they'd done, his response was "go away to a deserted place all by yourselves, and rest a while." We're told that so many were coming and going, "they had no leisure, even to eat."

Too often, that could be a description of the way we go through life. So much coming and going, there is no leisure, even to eat."

In order to hear the "still, small voice of God," we must work to eliminate hurry from our lives.

Let me make one thing very clear, though: This does not mean we will not be busy.

Jesus was an extremely busy person - sometime sit down and read the Gospel of Mark in one sitting...you'll find that he was on the move, and had lots to do. But Jesus never moved in such a way that he was disconnected from his source of life, joy and peace.

Jesus knew that it is impossible to hurry and to love at the same time. He was often busy, but never hurried.

The cure for hurry sickness, Ortberg says, is to "ruthlessly eliminate hurry from our lives."

That's good advice, and it sounds like a pretty good summer resolution: make times for deep rest; and in the busy times, ruthlessly eliminate hurry from our lives.